Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
