My brain says no but my pants say off.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
