Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
