I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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