i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
