God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So much rum. So many feels.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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