Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
