the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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