Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Best friends brother. Beat that.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
