The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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