it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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