I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
