tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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