I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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