I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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