hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
