I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
