I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
