I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
