I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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