i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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