I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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