The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
