I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
