the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
