Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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