I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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