he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
