It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You may now shotgun with the bride
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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