Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
