Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
