i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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