Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
