he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
