I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
