Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
