in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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