I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
