Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
