Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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