I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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