just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what day is it and did you see me today?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
