You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
