I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
