My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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