you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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