I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
