Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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