I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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