Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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