mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
