He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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