I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
