He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
